Every morning I get up at 3:45 a.m. to fix my husbands lunch for work and to kiss him goodbye and wish him a good day at work.  After he leaves and the house is dark and quiet is when I fall apart. It is the time when my thoughts and emotions overcome me and I  feel the most despair and fear over this horrible CANCER beast.

I fear that our little Ryan will never be a carefree, young child ever again. The boy we knew before CANCER is not the boy we have now.  He looks different, he does not have the energy and the spark he had BC (before cancer). It is so much more than just losing his hair, and the puffy look his face has now from all the drugs. The sparkle in his eye is dimmed, the glow on his face, and the giggle he so freely gave BC are seldom there now.  He worries so much about things, and he expresses it by rubbing his hands and picking at his nails.  Ryan is a small child, and he does not have the words to express his feelings.  I know he worries about his little sister, Abby.  He worries about his mommy and daddy.  He worries about getting sick and throwing up on his blankets or his toys. He worries about his friends at school, and that they will forget about him since he is  not there every day. I often wonder what other worries our boy has.  It breaks my heart to know he has these on his mind and in his heart. Six year old boys should not have a care in the world, they should be able to run and play and laugh and tease and just be kids.

I fear the side effects of the drugs they pump into his little body.  No one should have to be given drugs that destroy you from the inside out, let alone a little boy.  He should be eating like a boy.... everything in sight.... not having to be begged to eat just one bite.  He should be able to go outside and build a snowman, have a snowball fight,  go down a hill on a sled,  ride hs bike or scooter, run and jump and play like any six year old.  Instead, he stays inside,  has to be careful of falling, of bumping into things, of anything that could bruise or make him bleed.  I fear the chances of him developing another cancer down the road from all the drugs he is being given now.  I fear what radiation will do to him,  and that the side effects from that will be horrendous, possibly even permanent.

I fear that Ryan will always think of me as the Gramma that gave him pokeys, the one that made him eat when he did not want to, the one that made him do all the ugly, hard, and painful things that must be done to fight this beast.  Just the fact that Ryan will have memories of all these things breaks my heart.  It kills me a little bit inside each time I have to give him a shot and he begs and pleads with me not to give it to him.  It kills me a little inside when I tell him he has to eat before he can play a game and he tells me I am mean.  It kills me when he is throwing up and I am holding the plastic pan, and I see the pain and fear in his eyes. It killse me when we have to hold him down and he is so afraid to have his port accessed to do labs or to do chemo or a transfusion.

Last night someone told me that I am strong.  I have never felt more weak and helpless than I do now.  There is nothing I can do to take this from Ryan, but, oh how I wish I could.  All I can do to help this child is to hit my knees every morning. In all the fear and despair I feel over this CANCER, the one thing I can do for Ryan and to defeat my fear is PRAY.  When I am crying and feeling so helpless, there is strength to be found through God.  I know that.... no matter what.... God is good. God is in control of this and every situation.  God will get Ryan through this battle, and God will conquer my fears.

It means so much to me, and all of us that are watching Ryan fight this fight, to know that there are so many people out there that care enough to pray for us.  None of you will ever know the strength I get from you, and the love I feel from you. It is only through prayer and God's love and Grace that we will win this battle. Please know the gratitude I feel for you all. Please know that your prayers are working for me, because each day I am able to pick myself up and carry on, and do what must be done for Ryan, and each day I am able to rise above the fear and despair.

Thank you for being here with me on this journey.  I love you all.
~ Jill