Rough Week

My heart and my head are full this morning. It has been a difficult week, and my emotions are running rampant.This week, Ryan started his radiation. He was such a brave little man.

The first day, they decided to try his treatment without anesthesia to see how well he would do. It is scary to walk back into a maze of hallways, not knowing where you are going. Then to turn into a room called a Vault, cement walls, stark white and bare. Ryans eyes were as big as saucers, and I could see the nervousness on his face. Being the strong boy that he is, he just went along without making a sound.

There is a small table to lay on... narrow, with a cradle to put your head in. Ryan walked up to the table and was not tall enough to climb on so he lifted his arms for me to help him up. He whispered... Gramma, I am scared."  I told him it was ok to be scared, that I was there to help him, and all of the other people in the room would also keep him safe. Surrounding the table there were six people he did not know, and I am sure that led to some of his discomfort.

Ryan laid his head back into the "cradle" for his head, and they brought his mask to put on him. The mask is formed to fit his head exactly and it is so tight that when they placed it on, Ryan closed his eyes and could not open them again. He startled and asked to be able to see, so the technician took off the mask and cut eye holes in it. Once again the mask was placed on his head. Not a sound did Ryan make, but big tears were forming in his eyes and I could see the fear.  He squoze his eyes shut to try to keep the tears in, but they rolled softly down his cheek. I would have done anything to take away the fear in those eyes.

The mask in place, the next step is to raise the table he was laying on. Up, up, up it went and Ryan reacted with panic. He does not like heights, and asked them to lower the table. Of course they could not do that, and he started crying in earnest. The decision was made to put him to sleep for the treatment. With his tears rolling, they gave him the drugs that would put him out.

It broke my heart to see our boy go through that. It broke my heart to see those tears and the fear. I so wish there were something I could do to take this all away from him.

Immediately after that first radiation treatment, we headed to PCMC for his two day chemotherapy session. After talking with the doctors there, the decision was made to put an NG tube in Ryan's nose to enable him to get his medications and nutrition via the tube. The radiation will burn his esophagus and he will be unable to swallow, and it is getting difficult to give him certain meds now.

The next day while he was asleep for his radiation, they inserted the NG tube. When Ryan was waking up, he kept trying to pull the tube out and gagging, trying to make himself throw it up. When he was fully awake, he relaxed and accepted the tube, but he is very angry with me for allowing them to put it in. Ryan HATES the tube. He is refusing to eat or drink anything because it bothers him to swallow. I know that it will take some time for him to get used to having it there, and that it will get better.

I have been an emotional basket case throughout this all. I know and HAVE placed my trust in God, and I KNOW He is in control of all of this.  God will give me the strength I need and He will be with Ryan every step of the way.  Having said that, God made us human with all of the human emotions. I am angry. I am in despair. I feel helpless and unable to cope with all of this, let alone do what must be done for Ryan. I cry. I literally ache for all the little children we see every hospital trip. I cry out to God.... WHY??????