Faith

I have been reading and hearing of so many little children that have gotten their angel wings this week. My heart breaks for their families and the ones that love them and have followed their journeys. Why do some children "make" it and some do not?  The answer to that question is one of God's mysteries, and we will know the answer when we meet God.

This is a fallen world... there is pain, there is sin, there is sickness and there is death. All of these are indiscriminate, they hit every economic level, they hit every social class, every ethnic group, every age. No one knows from day to day when sickness will hit their family, when death will come, when there will be some unbearable pain fall upon them. God does not "give" us sickness... He does not bring us sudden death, or extreme pain.... when these strike, it is simply because they exist in this world. It is not because we have "done" something to displease God, to "earn" our trials. God can, and DOES use this death, sickness and pain to bless us and to bring us closer to Him.... He uses these to bless others and to strengthen others. He uses these things for HIS good, and the blessings He pours out are amazing and wonderful, and could come through no other way than through the pain, death and sickness.

Most of you reading this already know that Ryan is cancer free. Most of you know the journey we have been on. You have been praying for us, and trusting God for just what it is He has done. For all of that love and prayers we have received from you, we are eternally grateful. Now I want to tell you just exactly what God has done for Ryan and for me. I want to use our story to bless others, to help others, and to glorify God.

From the very first of our fight with Ewings, I have been told to "Claim the miracle.... to trust in nothing less that total healing for Ryan." I know that many of you have done just that.... and for those prayers and faith, I thank you. There have been days that I have been in total despair, I have cried and I have ranted to God... WHY??? WHY???  My faith has faltered, then returned, then faltered again. I had to come to the realization that we are human, and we have human emotions... God given emotions. When I was feeling that the only way God would bless us was to have perfect faith in nothing short of a miracle, I felt inadequate. I felt that my faith was not enough. Over this journey, I slowly turned it all to God. I quit telling God what to do. I had to accept that God knew what He was doing, and that... NO MATTER WHAT... it would be good. My faith and my love of God grew and grew. I came to KNOW that God would use this journey in some wonderful way.. whether or not Ryan lived or not.

On May 12, 2013 Ken and I went to church, as we do most Sundays. We praised God, we prayed, we worshiped and we learned God's Word. The pastor preached, we sang the invitational hymn, the pastor and deacons went to the front to pray for people. Same routine as countless other Sundays. At the end of the song, our pastor said that it was  hard to close the service this day. He said he felt as though someone was not going to be there in a week, or a month, but that God was in control of it, and God would bless them through it. It seemed to me as if he was looking right at me. His words hit me like a kick in the stomach. I went home from church and prayed that God would give me the strength to face whatever the future held. I prayed for God's will to be done. I gave it all to Him, truly for the first time. The rest of the day, I felt a peace unlike any I had felt from the beginning of the journey.

On Monday, I got up early and was making coffee... barely awake and not thinking of anything. Every night I sing to Ryan to help him get to sleep. The joke in my family is that I get the kids to sleep quickly because they go to sleep to get away from the noise! Ryan always asks me to sing Amazing Grace every night. While making coffee, the thought came to me, almost as if someone was standing next to me talking... "You need to sing Amazing Grace at Ryan's funeral.... It will be important to him for you to sing him to sleep."  Never, ever would I have ever thought that on my own. The day passed and I prayed for strength to get through... for my family to all have the strength we would need to face whatever happened. I again turned it all to God... God's Will. Ken also began praying in earnest (unknown to me at the time) for God's Will and for strength.

The nurse came on Monday and did labs... and when the clinic called me with Ryan's blood counts, I was dismayed. The counts were very low, dangerously low, and I was told to bring him into the clinic early the next morning to have transfusions. Ryan and his cousin Bailey had been playing all day, and he seemed fine. I began taking his temperature every few minutes to watch for the fever that usually accompanies the very low blood counts. At 8:00 pm, he had a slight fever (100) and I decided to call the ER and tell them we were coming in. Ryan and I left for PCMC, and by the time we got there, his fever was 104.4, his blood pressure was 50/30 and his heart was racing at over 200 beats per minute. He was in septic shock. The ER doctor told me to call the family in, that it was very serious. I called Ken and had him bring Ryan's mommy and daddy down to the hospital.

They intubated Ryan and sent him to the PICU unit. He fought and fought the tube for the ventilator, and they restrained him and sedated him. It was so hard to see our hero literally fighting for his life. Through this all, I had a peace... a calmness. We did not know if he was going to be with us or if he was going home to God. It was while Ryan was in PICU that God gave us the miracle. Ryan rebounded so quickly, the doctors were amazed. They were able to take the tube for the ventilator out the next day... and Ry was moved up to the regular oncology ward later that evening. The next day they were able to remove all oxygen and we were able to go home. The doctor told me that it was nothing short of a miracle that he recovered so fully so quickly.

I KNOW that is when God took all sign of cancer from Ryan. I KNOW that it was in turning it all to Him that we received the miracle. I KNOW that through all of this, God will be glorified, that he will use this story to His good. I KNOW that, no matter what the future holds for us, God is in perfect control.

Two weeks later, on May 24, 2013, Ryan had scans to see where his tumor was and the spots on his lungs. That evening , Dr Luke came into the room and told us that Ryan is CANCER FREE!! There is no sign of the tumor and there are no spots on his lungs!!!!

I can never thank all of you enough for you prayers. your support and you love through our journey. Please know that it was through the prayers of many that we are where we are. If any of you have been blessed by Ryan or our family through this fight, I ask that you write to me and share just how you have been touched, or strengthened of changed. I want to save an account of just how much God has used this for His good for Ryan to have for the rest of his life.

The journey is not over.... but there is His perfect light at the end of the tunnel. We have three more rounds of chemo, and scans every three months to check that the cancer has not returned... but I know that, NO MATTER WHAT, God has this!